


True Love Waits

by augustskies



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Azkaban, Dark, Dementors, Heavy Angst, M/M, Plot Twists, Polyjuice Potion, Prison
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-02
Updated: 2018-09-02
Packaged: 2019-07-05 19:50:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15870558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/augustskies/pseuds/augustskies
Summary: " I love you as certain dark things are to be loved / in secret / between the shadow and the soul. " - Pablo Neruda





	True Love Waits

The first light of dawn was just beginning to appear in the vast expanse of grey overhead.

Unblemished by clouds and veiled in a porcelain sheen, an air of threadbare chilliness bled slowly from the horizon. He stood amongst a tight huddle of others. The light was an unrelenting stream of energy etching itself into the back of his mind, even through firmly shuttered eyelids. A blaze of white against an artist's black canvas, perhaps. Or a comet in the night sky. _Lumos_ being cast in a cold, damp cave somewhere secluded. Yet still like a sliver of illumination trickling into a cracked cupboard under the stairs.

Or maybe it was just sunlight.

 

                                                                                                                                               **********

 

_The silence lingered between them in the stale, musty air like an accusation. Time seemed nonexistent in that moment. It stretched and expanded into nothingness, a gaping cavity in the matters which the universe was made of. He had a faint notion that there were things he ought to say, yet none of which managed to pass his dry, chapped lips. He wanted answers. He needed explanations._

_He craved impassioned speech and wild, fervent eyes. A leaky pipe dripped steadily in the distance._

_When the other man spoke at last, he hated the perfunctory tone echoing against stone walls._

_" Thank you. "_

_The words meant nothing, after all. He'd be a fool to think otherwise_.

 

                                                                                                                                              **********

  _Discomfort unfurled in the pit of his stomach, sending an involuntary shudder running up his spine. He could taste the metallic tinge of blood in the damp air._

_Across from him, Malfoy coughed. There would be no pretense here. As if right on cue, the other man spoke, drily._

_" Potter. To what do I owe the pleasure ? "_

_He could think of a thousand answers to that question, ranging from a quiet ' you don't owe me anything ' to a spiteful ' oh, only the lives of all the friends I've lost in the war . '_

_Yet he knew deep down that he was being unreasonable just for having the last thought._

_"_ _It's not pity, " he said at last._

_Malfoy was silent._

_He took a deep breath and tried again._

_" Maybe I'm doing this for myself, " he allowed. " I guess at some point I realized that I honestly don't hate you. At least not anymore. "_

_He shrugged awkwardly. " I...I have nightmares sometimes. I feel like I'm getting too old for this. It's been years. Maybe I just want to move on. Er...let the past be the past and all that. It's what Hermione says I should do, anyways. "_

_Malfoy nodded slowly. " That sounds very like Granger. "_

_There was a noticeable lack of malice in the way he spoke._

_Somewhat encouraged, he plowed on determinedly. " Right. Anyways, I don't have much to do these days. "_

_" Not that many people left to talk to, " he added as a second thought._

_Malfoy inclined his head a little, eyebrows arched._

_" You know as well as I do that there's nothing but gloom and doom in this sodding prison cell. It's not like I could offer you much comfort, Potter, even if we were... " he hesitated._

_" Friends ? "_

_" Yeah. That. Which we're obviously not. Just in case you needed a reminder through that thick skull of yours. " Not quite so friendly, then._

_He was somewhat relieved to hear a bit of the old Malfoy in that voice. This he could handle. An amiable, easygoing Malfoy ? He didn't think he would ever get used to talking to such a person._

_" Don't worry, I get the picture. Still, thanks. For, uh, not telling me to piss off straight away, I guess. "_

_Malfoy rolled his eyes. " It's not like I'm in a position to be ordering people around anymore, am I ? I'm in a bloody cell, Potter. I could certainly yell obscenities at you and tell you to get lost. Not that you'd actually listen. "_

_He felt a strange twinge in his stomach. " Do you want me to go ? "_

_There was a few minutes of silence. Just when he felt sure Malfoy was going to ignore the last question completely, the other man spoke up._

_" It's fine. "_

_He swallowed too fast._

_" Great. Look, I'm really sorry about this. Your family has already more than paid your debt to wizarding society, or whatever it is they're charging you with. I tried to talk to Kingsley again the other day, but they won't even let me see him now. He's drowning in Ministry paperwork, apparently. His schedule is full to bursting or some shite. You shouldn't be here. "_

_He stopped abruptly when he realized he'd been rambling. Malfoy was giving him a curious, if slightly wary look._

_" You mean that. " There was no trace of emotion in those three words._

_He suddenly felt like an enormous idiot. The heat rushed to his face all at once, and he instinctively ducked his head, filled with a newfound appreciation for the shadows and dim lighting._

_" Yeah. " His voice was scratchy. " I mean, yeah. Of course. "_

_Malfoy continued to stare at him with unnerving intensity. " You're quite something, Potter. I see why they call you the Savior, I really do. "_

_His smile was wry._

_" I appreciate the sentiment. In fact, I am rather amazed, if anything, simply by the fact that you and I are having a halfway decent conversation right now. We're acting like adults, aren't we ? We're being civil. Wonders shall never cease. "_

_This time it was Harry's turn to roll his eyes._

_" You always had a flair for drama, Malfoy. But, um, you're welcome. "_

_Malfoy shook his head. " Blunt Gryffindor wankers, " he muttered absently._

_" Narcissistic Slytherin gits. "_

_The familiar banter passed to and fro for a few minutes, smoothly and albeit half-heartedly._

_" Merlin, " he interrupted at last. Malfoy stopped mid sentence to frown at him._

_" Nothing. " He ducked again, biting back the words which had been on the verge of spilling. The conversational jabs and snarky comebacks felt a bit too surreal. Malfoy was different. He was defensive, arrogant, and unabashedly rude, but when it came down to it, the venom which had used to sting so badly simply wasn't there anymore. He had a nagging suspicion that this was what it felt like to be...friends. With Malfoy._

_He attempted to push away the knot which was steadily securing itself in his gut. He knew that they'd both managed to steer relatively clear of sensitive subjects so far. Just as he knew that they couldn't possibly hope to avoid those topics forever, he had a sinking feeling that he might actually be enjoying his company. Things already seemed upside down as it was._

_Malfoy sighed loudly, bringing him back to their conversation with a jolt. " Spit it out. You're brooding, and it's fucking annoying. "_

_They glared at each other for a few seconds before Harry broke the gaze first._

_" I'm not brooding. It's just...there are some things which I'm not sure how to say, exactly. "_

_" Can't say I'm surprised. I always knew you were somewhat lacking in the skillful art of expressing oneself, Potter. It's alright. I think we all noticed at school. " "_

_For fuck's sake ! "_

_Malfoy grimaced. " I can't stop you from asking, though, can I ? "_

_He was at a loss. The man in front of him was an enigma. It was then that he was forced to conclude that he really didn't know half the things about Malfoy. They'd had their infamous schoolboy rivalries, and there was a time when he had been adamant about the unshakeable fact of Draco Malfoy being the world's biggest prat._

_The war had changed that, of course. Just as it had changed everything else. He could not forget the way Malfoy had used to spit the word " Mudblood. " Or the sneer on his pointy face as he reminded Harry time after time of the loss of his parents. The_ _casually cruel remarks reserved for younger students, always delivered with two bulks of cronies at his side._

_But nor could he forget the way blood had stained a crisp, white shirt, swirling into galaxies on cold bathroom tiles. Or a trembling voice denying his identity in a manor filled with the echoes of tormented screams. A wand tossed to him in the midst of a raging battle._

_Lucius Malfoy was dead. He'd been tried, found guilty, and executed with a simple Avada Kedavra only months earlier. Narcissa Malfoy was residing in St. Mungo's, in a small ward locked off from all the others._

 

_**********_

_The second time he visited Malfoy, he brought parchment and a quill._

_" I thought you might like to write something. "_

_There was a heavy sigh as Malfoy shifted from his position leaning against the wall. " Thank you. Shall I write myself a eulogy ? "_

_He exhaled noisily. There was a time, he thought, when such a remark would have instantly sparked a reaction in him. They'd snap at each other and take turns thinking up the most cutting and personal insults they could come up with._

_He could almost see them again. Two eleven year old boys standing opposite each other in a train compartment. A few years later, in an empty hallway. On a Quidditch pitch. In a sea of flames. No matter how the backdrop changed, it always seemed to dim in comparison to the person a mere few feet away._

_Because when it came to Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter, that was all that seemed to matter._

_One blonde and pointy chinned, the other raven haired and bespectacled. Both with their chins held high and eyes narrowed in childish defiance. Tossing around barbed insults and casually cruel remarks yet with no real venom._

_He allowed himself a brief moment to wonder where they'd gone._

_" I don't know why I'm here, " he said at last._

_Malfoy shook the manacles which bound his wrists and ankles with a flourish. " Want to know what I think, Potter ? Why you're really here ? "_

_" Please do enlighten me. " He was proud of the sarcasm which dripped from his voice, matching Malfoy's._

_The other man stood abruptly and dragged himself towards the bars which separated the two, an unreadable glint in his eyes. He was slightly thrown at seeing the other man so close all of a sudden, but held his ground._

_" You're mad. Barking mad, just like the lot of them. Off your rocker. You've seen too much. You dream about them every night, don't you ? Do you see them in your nightmares ? Twisted, leering faces and rotting flesh, hear the people you loved dying right in front of you, screaming and pleading for mercy, for you to save them, but you couldn't. You could only watch as they writhed and bled while shouting your name over and over-"_

_A crazed look had come over Malfoy's shadowed face. It was a look of pure insanity, an expression which chilled his blood instantly to the point where he was frozen for a second, trapped in an awful reverie of icy, crushing terror._

_And then he snapped. He reached through the bars before he knew what his hands were doing, grabbing a fistful of the other man's tattered, decaying robes._

_" Stop it. "_

_His fingers burned with the desire to rake themselves over every inch of exposed skin he could find, blood roared in his ears, and all he could think about was how much he wanted to hurt Malfoy. To brand his body with bruises in violent shades of indigo, to crush the fragile bone structure beneath the pale, almost seemingly transparent skin, to slash open all the icy vessels laced over his torso. He wanted to see the other man fall apart._

_It was only then did he realize that he'd been repeatedly banging Malfoy's head against the bars._

_His fingers were splayed in an odd fashion around his neck, the section which was exposed and -_

_Oh, god. He let him go abruptly, and his heart lurched sickeningly when he saw the other man stumble slightly._

_" Got a violent side, Potter ? Never would have guessed. Not the fucking Savior. " Malfoy righted himself slightly as he attempted to stench the steady flow of blood dripping from his nose._

_The shadows under his eyes were unmistakable. The far too prominent cheekbones and hollow ribs showing even through robes, albeit flimsy, were indicatory. The bruises and cuts, fresh and old alike, were telling._

_" Or is this like the time in sixth year ? In the bathrooms ? "_

_His mouth went dry._

_" I never meant it. I... " He faltered._

_The corners of Malfoy's thin lips turned upwards in a grim smile. " That's exactly it, Potter. You never did. None of us did. And look where we are now. "_

 

                                                                                                                                            **********

 

_" I've developed a strange habit, " he said one day._

_Malfoy made a noncommittal noise._

_" No, really, " he insisted. " I've never told anyone before. "_

_Malfoy muttered something under his breath but sat up a little straighter anyways._

_" Well ? " he demanded irritably after a few seconds of pause. There were no screams that afternoon._

_He inhaled sharply. " I've started picturing people dead, " he began._

_" I see them dying in all sorts of different ways. Killing curses. Fires. Floods. Muggle weapons. Poison. Sickness. Starvation. "_

_" I see everyone, too. Ron. Hermione. Ginny. Neville. Luna. The Weasleys. Hagrid. Professor McGonagall. Shacklebolt. Kreacher. "_

_" You. "_

_Malfoy's face was obscured by the shadows, making it impossible for him to scrutinize the expression he wore at the moment._

_He had a sudden, inexplicable urge to wrench the iron bars apart and pound his fists against metal._

_" Charming. Tell me about my death, Potter. "_

_" I'm not some kind of Seer, " he was suddenly angry._

_" Never said you were. Go on. "_

_He laughed harshly then. " You always want something from me, don't you ? I've never been good enough for you. Not for you and your noble blood. Your sacred heritage, your sodding pure blood family. "_

_He was aware that he was rambling now, no longer making sense, yet he found he didn't care in the least._

_" Neither was I, " Malfoy answered simply at last._

_" What do you- "_

_" I wasn't good enough, either, Potter. For my family. " And at that he sagged. It was almost as if he'd aged twenty years in a split second._

_" Please. " The word was choked out, but it wasn't pride or or dignity which seemed to hold him back. It was something raw and ugly._

_" Tell me about my death. Harry. "_

_Then they were no longer former Death-Eater and The Boy Who Lived. They were just Draco and Harry._

_He heard himself talking, as though from a distant viewpoint. " They stare at you in the streets, " he whispers._

_" Some of them just hurry past you, but others curse at you. They call you all sorts of disgusting things. They hurt you. Then one day, you're walking on the sidewalk with your head lowered and your hood pulled on, but they recognize you anyways. They surround you and force you into an alley. You fight them, but they win because they're loud and boisterous and they hate you more than you hate them. They jeer at you and touch you in ways which makes you burn inside. You never beg for mercy, not once. And then... one of them pulls out his wand. You close your eyes and grit your teeth. You hear the words before the green light comes and you fall. You never stop falling. "_

_Malfoy was watching him intently, as though hungry for every last word, every detail of this morbid depiction of his own demise._

_Strangely, his eyes were lit in a way which was so very, very alive. He leaned forward a little._

_" Is that the end ? "_

_" No. " His voice faltered for a split second._

_That was when he knew. Knew with absolute, unwavering certainty._

_" I find you, " he says. " I kneel by your side in the alley and drench my fingers in the pools of blood by your body. I wish for Snape and I swear because he's not there. He wasn't, a few hours earlier, and still isn't. I hate him because of that. I hate you because you're Malfoy and I'm Potter and that's what we do. Hate each other. I hate you because you insulted my parents and my best friends and everyone else I care about. I Because you're a spoiled, arrogant, and insufferable prat. I hate you because you weren't there when we celebrated the war being over. But I hate myself, too. Do you remember us when we were eleven, Draco ? When you threw Rememberalls into the sky and I thought you were worse than my cousin Dudley ? "_

_" Yeah. "_

_Strangled noise._

_" Do you remember what I said to you on the train ? " He laughs at the memory._

_" You said, I didn't want to go around making friends with the wrong sort and you could help me with that. "_

_" So I did. "_

_" I told you I could tell the wrong sort for myself, thanks. But don't you see now ? " He grinned._

_" That's why I hate myself. I could've glared at you and taken your hand. I could've helped you make friends with the right sort, just like you wanted to do. Because you've never been the wrong sort, Draco. "_

_" I didn't, though. "_

_Choked breathing. " But mostly I hate myself for feeling this way."_

_That was when Harry Potter knew that he loved his childhood rival. Knew with a finality which crashed into his chest like a train at full speed, destined to derail._

_" Tell me a story. " He grips the icy metal a little harder._

_Malfoy raises his eyebrows. " Us, Potter. Us. We're a hell of a story, and this moment will just be another story someday. "_

_He pauses thoughtfully. " One which you tell your great grandchildren by the fire one day, maybe. When you've gone all senile and batty. "_

_His throat constricts painfully._

 

                                                                                                                                          **********

 

_The first person he tells is Hermione Jean Granger._

_He tells her over a cup of scalding Earl Grey a few hours after lunch. They are sitting in a Muggle cafe, settled opposite each other in comfortable maroon armchairs._

_At first, he has no idea where to begin and the words sound all wrong, coming out of his mouth._

_Tangled. Not making any sense._

_" Malfoy- " he tries._

_Her brows furrow._

_" I've been talking to him- "_

_" I don't know why I went there in the first place- "_

_" At first I wanted to strangle him- "_

_" I thought I was mad, Hermione- "_

_" I'm confused- "_

_" It's been so many years since Hogwarts- "_

_" He's still an arsehole- "_

_" It's all over the papers- " He buries his face in his hands._

_" Ginny and I fought again the other day, it was something stupid, I think, I can't even remember- "_

_" I love her so fucking much it hurts but it's not like that anymore- "_

_" It's happening next week- " His voice is muffled._

_Hermione notices the way his knuckles are white as he clenches his teacup._

_His shoulders shake slightly. " It shouldn't be possible, it makes no sense and I feel like I'm losing my bloody mind- "_

_She starts to understand._

_" I think I'm running out of time. " He looks up at last, glasses askew and breathing labored. Comprehension is written all over Hermione's face._

_" You love him. "_

_A heartbeat later, quietly, " Yes. "_

 

                                                                                                                                            **********

 

 

_Malfoy sits as far away from him as possible, leaning against the wall._

_" You've really lost your effing mind, then. "_

_He stares back calmly. " I haven't. "_

_Just because it's in his nature to contradict everything Malfoy says, maybe. But maybe not._

_" Say something. Tell me what you're thinking. "_

_The blonde grimaces. " Say what, Potter ? You've made a declaration of undying love for me. Your most hated nemesis and convicted Death Eater. Now you expect me to say something ? "_

_He looked like he wanted to continue, but broke off abruptly. " Just get out of here. Get yourself registered at St. Mungo's. "_

_Harry smiled wanly. " First of all, it was not a declaration of undying love. I'm saying I have feelings for you, you daft bugger, and I think you do, too. We both have, for years. Probably since the first time I saw you at Madam Malkin's. Remember that ? "_

_He fixed Malfoy with an unyielding gaze._

_" For the love of Merlin's saggy pants, shut up, Potter ! You're making me sick, you sound like some sort of deranged, lovesick teenager spouting all this poetic nonsense- "_

_" And if it helps, I'm every bit as befuddled as you are right now. " He added, ignoring the outburst._

_Malfoy looked like something entirely unpleasant had been shoved down his throat. " You're making no sense as usual. I don't even want to know what's going on in that twisted little mind of yours. "_

_" You can deny it all you want, but it doesn't change anything. Feelings, Malfoy. First it was mutual dislike, maybe even hatred. Then it became obsession. And now- "_

_" Well, there's this. "_

_" And what is this supposed to be, exactly ? " His voice was heavy with sarcasm._

_" I don't know. But I need you to figure it out with me. "_

_Malfoy let out a short laugh. " In case it escaped your notice, Potter, time is something I'm running out of. "_

_" And besides, what makes you think that these...feelings you claim to have are mutual ? What makes you think that I like men, Potter ? Much less you ? "_

_" Do you not like me then ? "_

_Malfoy looked somewhat thrown. A few seconds passed in silence._

_" I don't hate you anymore, " he acknowledged at last, if a bit grudgingly._

_Then, " I don't think I ever really hated you. "_

_He tried to ignore the feeling of his chest expanding._

_" Oh ? "_

_" I was jealous of you sometimes. When you beat me in Quidditch. "_

_" Ah, that. "_

_" Maybe I was jealous of your friendship with Granger and Weasley, too. Just a little. " He glared at Harry as he said this, as though daring him to laugh._

_" Crabbe ? Goyle ? Zabini ? Parkinson ? "_

_Malfoy shrugs. " They were alright, " he says after a brief moment._

_" Dead, though. "_

_He shuts his eyes tightly._

_Darkness swims in his vision, stretching out infinitely and swallowing up the unsaid words._

 

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_" I talked to the Ministry today. "_

_There's no response._

_" Actually, I've been owling them every day for a while now. I keep fucking trying to talk to them. "_

_Malfoy says nothing._

_" You'd think that after all this crap...they'd- " He can't find the words._

_" Hermione said- "_

_" Potter. "_

_" What ? " He doesn't mean to snap._

_" I understand. You can't save everyone. " Malfoy says quietly. " Let's not make this any more complicated than it has to be. "_

_" What are you saying ? " His heart thuds uncontrollably as an edge of something suspiciously like panic begins to settle in his voice._

_" Loathe as I am to admit it, your continuous presence has been rather welcome over the past few weeks. Thank you. "_

_He hesitates. " I think you should go now. "_

_It hurts like fucking hell._

 

                                                                                                                                          **********

 

_He grips the bedsheets with unnecessary force, arching his back beneath Ginny. Their skin is slick with sweat and they're both breathing too hard._

_Her hair dances in the slight breeze coming through the window, wisps of auburn in pale moonlight. The shadows shift over her face._

_He closes his eyes, and it's Draco's face he sees as he comes. He hates himself as she shudders before collapsing beside him._

_She doesn't deserve this. Not Ginny, who is beautiful and fierce and so much stronger than anyone he has ever known. Her body is warm against his._

_" I'm sorry, " he whispers._

_She doesn't ask him what he's sorry for. Her tears are salty against his lips._

 

                                                                                                                                    **********

 

_He wants to reach out so badly._

_They're standing atop the Astronomy Tower. The wind lifts his cloak into the air with gusto, and he cannot tear his eyes away from Malfoy._

_His profile, illuminated by starlight, has never enthralled him more._

_Let's run away, he wants to say, but doesn't._

_Where to ? He imagines Malfoy answering._

_Paris, he wants to say, but doesn't. Or Rome. Athens. Cairo. He doesn't care._

_Let's go to the Louvre, he wants to say, but doesn't._

_Let's go see ancient ruins and make wishes in fountains, he wants to say, but doesn't._

_Let's sit by the ocean for a while, he wants to say, but doesn't._

_Let's walk through deserts and admire pyramids, he wants to say, but doesn't._

_He wants to travel to exotic places he's never been with Malfoy. He wants to go to the cinemas and watch baseball games with Malfoy. He wants to listen to Malfoy talk about his childhood. He wants to try living a different kind of life. One with Malfoy in it. And somehow he knows that this could only happen in another world._

_One without thestrals and elves and sugar quills._

_Beside him, Malfoy turns to look at him, but says nothing._

_I love you, he wants to say, but doesn't._

_Because loving will take some falling and he's afraid of heights._

_When he stretches out his hand, his fingers just barely ghost over Malfoy's before he blinks and the other man is gone._

 

                                                                                                                                         **********

 

He can feel their presence.

The air leaves his lungs slowly, particle by particle, suffocating him a little more with each passing second .

The heavy despair which shrouds him is not unfamiliar.

_Listen to me, Potter. They'll lead me out in chains. Cold, metal chains which will dig into my skin and rattle as I walk. It won't matter whether it rains or not. There will be a crowd. Of your people. They will cheer and smile like stark raving madmen. I will not close my eyes. I will not think of Mother or Father or anyone else, but you. I have mourned them along with everyone else enough in this sodding cell. I want you to be there. Be there if any of what you said that day stands true._

Grey eyes burned with a challenge.

Harry Potter was not in love with Draco Malfoy.

_Tell me a story._

He has known from the start that it would not be a happily ever after kind of story. Known from the first day a month ago when he'd walked into Azkaban, towards Malfoy.

Harry Potter was not in love with Draco Malfoy.

The notion was just ridiculous. You couldn't fall in love with someone you'd hated for seven years after just one short month.

Harry Potter was not in love with Draco Malfoy.

He saw him then. and their eyes met.

they lingered-

Harry Potter was not in love with Draco Malfoy.

He watched as Malfoy was led away.

_Expecto Patronum,_ he whispered. His wand lay heavy in the pocket of his robes, still and unmoving.

Harry Potter was not in love with Draco Malfoy.

Malfoy did not turn around.

_Obliviate_ , he murmured.

He prayed with everything left that the spell would find its way to Potter.

Draco Malfoy was not in love with Harry Potter, either.

It was a story with all the right elements for tragedy. Yet it was not. It was simply one which had never begun.

 

                                                                                                                                                       **********

 

He went to Muggle clubs sometimes.

He searched for willing lips, eager bodies which would mold against his under neon lights. He would take them back to his flat, indulge in alcohol induced fantasies which he never seemed to remember afterwards.

He had a flask of silver grey liquid on his nightstand.

He'd mix it with a few drops of vodka and hand the glass to his partner for the night. _Cheers_ , he'd say with a slightly glassy eyed grin.

They were confused sometimes, if they happened to catch a glimpse of themselves in the mirror. He'd then quiet them with a forceful kiss which bruised and they'd forget the questions they'd been about to ask.

He no longer answered calls and increasingly lengthy letters from Ron and Hermione. He placed wards around his Muggle flat in Muggle London, cast disillusion charms over the shabby building he now called home. His robes lay dusty in the back of his wardrobe.

Harry Potter had disappeared from the Wizarding World. 

 

                                                                                                                                           **********

 

It was July when they found him.

Ron and Hermione burst into the living room one night to catch him tangled with another man on the kitchen floor. Hermione was the first to break the silence. She said nothing, but a strange strangled noise escaped her lips.

" Harry, " she managed.

The tears shone in her wide, frightened eyes.

Ron gripped the back of a chair tightly, face taut and stunned. " Mate, " he whispered at last. " I'm really sorry. "

The man draped around Harry blinked at them slowly, eyes unfocused. Harry looked up at last, and his eyes cleared enough to reflect raw agony through a haze of dull green.

" You don't understand. " His voice was rough and scratchy. " I saved him. "

His pupils dilated in the evening shadows. " I cast my Patronus. That's why. "

The tears are streaming down Hermione's cheeks now. " Harry, please. Stop. Come home with us. This isn't... "

" You can't hurt him ! I won't fucking let you ! " His hands are shaking now as he grips the man in his arms, who is dazed and starting to mumble illegibly.

" That's not Draco. He's gone, Harry. He was Kis- "

He lets loose a bloodcurdling scream of guttural rage. Ron is in front of Hermione in a split second, grabbing his arms and shouting words which don't make sense repeatedly in his ears.

" I'm the bloody Savior, aren't I ? Why won't you leave me alone ? He's fine. I'm fine and we're both- "

" This is sick ! " Ron bellows, shaking him. " You need help, mate. This is wrong. Unhealthy. You're drugging Muggles and using them to satisfy whatever lingering fantasies you have in your head about Malfoy- "

The blood roars in his ears. All he knows in that moment is pain. He lashes out at the hands restraining his body, the room tilts nauseatingly, the edges of his vision blurs, and the next thing he knows he's falling.

Somehow he knows that he's got a long way to go. 

 

                                                                                                                                            **********

 

He wakes in a blinding white room. Shapes move in the distance, eventually solidifying into human profiles. A thousand smells and voices hit him at once.

He groans and tries to cover his ears only to find that his arms have been replaced with lead.

_St. Mungo's_ , he hears someone say in the distance.

He forces his eyes open again. Swings his legs over the side of the bed he's lying in. Ignores the stabbing headache pulsing in his skull constantly. Someone notices him.

A nurse, he thinks. Or a Healer.

" Mr. Potter ! Please, you must lie back down. " Her voice is annoyingly saccharine.

" I have to go, " he says firmly, despite swaying a little.

Malfoy. He's still in the flat. He imagines the blonde sprawled out on his bed, all graceful limbs and sculpted, slender body. He thinks about the taste of his skin, the way his mouth fits perfectly on his neck. The sunlight will catch on his platinum hair and bathe him in an otherworldly glow. God, he hates him.

He can't help the smile which spreads on his face.

" Mr. Potter ? " The nurse has been talking for a few minutes now, and is looking at him a little uncertainly.

" Goodbye, " he says simply. He makes it as far as the other end of the room before someone grabs him.

Instinct tells him to kick, and he does, flailing wildly in unfamiliar arms as he stares at the faces swimming in front of him. Their lips move, but he can't make sense of their words. He has to go. He fights harder this time, biting and twisting. It's over all too soon when he feels something sharp sinking into his forearm.

A syringe, most likely.

Malfoy ! He shouts.

This time, he thinks he catches a familiar smirk before he's descending into darkness again.

 

                                                                                                                                                       **********

 

They visit him sometimes. A bushy haired witch and a ginger headed wizard.

He knows them. She's _Hermione_ , and he's _Ron_.

There are others who visit him, but they are the ones who appear the most. They sit by his bed and bring him Chocolate Frogs.

_Hermione_ holds his hand sometimes.

_Ron_ stares at him a little too long sometimes.

They both cry. They don't think he notices, but he does. He wants to tell them it's okay, but he doesn't.

Instead, he tells them about a Slytherin. They listen quietly and watch the way his eyes light up in a fervor when he talks about him.

" I love him, " he says brightly.

Some days he'll say, " I _loved_ him. "

They nod and squeeze his hands. He never misses the way Hermione's shoulders shake as they leave, Ron's arms wrapped protectively around her. He sees the way her face crumples ever so slightly when he tells them he loves him. He can't fathom why, though.

The days pass easily. He finds company in an old lady next to his bed, and they discuss the weather sometimes. Occasionally he's allowed to go on walks in the gardens. He dreams of strange things some nights. Those are the nights he wakes drenched in sweat and a distinct feeling of unease. _I loved him_ , he'll say into the darkness. The words are almost like an incantation. He savors the way they taste on his tongue. _I loved him_ , he'll tell anyone who's willing to listen. If he closes his eyes, he can remember standing in an ever expanding train compartment. He smiles when he sees someone walking towards him.

This time, he grasps onto the outstretched hand and knows that he won't be letting go.

**Author's Note:**

> First of all, I hope you guys enjoyed this ? I actually wrote it a while ago but just never got around to posting it. I forgot it even existed until a few days ago when I was looking through my notes and thought, might as well upload it!! So...yeah. I was kinda obsessed with darker fics like this for a while. I think this was inspired by " dark side of light " by maya, it's a masterpiece ?? Also, I did not come up with the polyjuice concept. Credit goes to whoever first mentioned it, I've seen it in quite a few fics. I know this is depressing and my writing is terrible, but hopefully I've improved a bit by now. Title is taken from the song of the same name by radiohead. As always, comments and thoughts are greatly appreciated!! Thank you guys <3


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